Choking up my insecurities as smoke rings of danger come fluttering out of me. I lean back into my pillow and try to capture clean air into my lungs. Slipping under the covers I close my heavy dreaming eyes. I feel like I am sinking deep into an oblivion; but where is it going? I try and climb my way up the stairs that lead to the top but the foundation crumbles at signs of doubt, despair, disbelief, and even dishonor. Cracking down the middle like some kind of comparison to my own wants and needs is where I decided to find another way to escape the place I was dreaming myself into.
As I began to search high and low for ways to mend the stones of doubt and replace the stones of despair my dream becomes a strange reality. When I seal the openings of disbelief and realign the bends of dishonor I feel the cloud’s weight lift from the lids of my eyes.
Who have I become and what was this life? No longer just a dream but truth to what my life has become. Could I be the one thing I wish not to be? Could I be exactly who I sought you out to be?
I miss the way we laid together and the way you used to whisper my name. I miss the way the pillow smelt of you when you left for work and how your smile lit up the room when you came home.
I am so different now. My past just a haze of memories I discover on days I wish to be yours again. I am so much healthier now but all I want is to catch your sickness and drowned myself in it.
And although I am almost positive you never think of me as I inhale my last bit of marry I reach my hand out waiting for you to grasp it.
The hourglass tips over. I watch grains of sand cover the palms of my hands. Time is running to an end. I fumble to close my hands but the sand pours over my closed fists and escapes from my tight grasp. The hourglass is becoming more empty every second and I can do nothing to replenish my time keeper.
I read once ” The trouble is, you think you have time.” from Jack Kornfield’s Buddha’s Little Instruction Book. I never really took it to heart till the night i fell in love with the way the clouds danced across the sky. Although I try to forget most of those memories I remember every last detail of this night. It was the night I swallowed reality. It tasted how you expected mildewed freshly cut grass would. I gagged on it, even almost threw up, but with an ounce of courage I swallowed it. I felt my body shake almost quiver I was scared. I felt reality get under my skin and capture the world around me, as I watched the world breathe the wind whispered to me.
It split words in my ears saying, ” Tomorrow is closer then you think.” I felt myself become one with the Earth and I smelt the dirt beneath me. Not a moment too soon I felt your body scoot to mine, I looked into your eyes where a man once lived and saw a boy reaching out to me. I kissed your lips and gently reached for your chest to press my ear against. As your heart sang symphonies to me my heart wept. I knew your sadness and I ate every crumb of it. I fell in love with the way the clouds danced across the sky, I fell in love with the way you held hostage your sadness inside of you. Reality had fully set in and now I was in a room full of people as voices grew louder all I wanted to hear was the strum of your guitar and the words I love you. Reality had fully set in you had my heart to do as you pleased. Time was now at a stand still and I wondered if I were to swallow a few grams of reality each night would my soul forever be entwined closely with yours.
Should I have made time stand still each time when the moon came out to play?
Because all you really left me with was this sweater that no longer smells of you and all I really left you with was a million missed calls and the words “i hate you”. As days passed I contemplated whether to take another bite from reality? Would it give me an answer to grab you back?
So I chose to open Earth’s finest chest, peered inside, and pulled out a small hand full of reality. I choked it down with a glass of orange juice.
This time when reality comes crashing in after endless giggles it’s different because you are not holding my hand and I can’t hear the strum of your fingers against the strings of what I like to call your art. Yet the wind still whispers the same old tune ” Tomorrow is closer than you think” as if she always has the same thing to say. I couldn’t help but to keep thinking of the sweet lullaby of our goodbye. Reality had set in, our souls have come undone. You’ll be leaving soon and the hourglass will soon be emptied.
I tell myself, “only one more drag” but I know I’ll be back for more. Lets face it your love is something I cannot ignore. Your lips firmly pressed to mine filling me with an innocence, so pure. I am climbing, climbing high, high above the clouds. I feel my heart collapse deep into your soul, as our bodies collide like crashing waves. We are one, you are my one and only.
You told me, “Time is the great destroyer of all things” then a moment too soon I felt you become distant. I reached for your hands but I couldn’t seem to get a firm grip. I didn’t want you to go not even a little, but how could I ask you to stay when “love me or let go ” led to your finger tips slipping away. I feel the tingle in my throat, the ache in my chest, and the burn in my eyes. I am sliding, sliding down, down below the tree tops. Must feel nice to not have to pretend to want to help me anymore. Must be nice to not have to dance in my families drama or find fancy in my old familiar ways. Cause we both know I’m just a mess and I am still learning to hold my own.
You know what you want, you know who you are, and where you are going. You keep your dreams neatly alined within the pages of your life’s story. So you say you have it all together? But everyone smudges the words in a sentence, tears a page from their favorite chapter, and even spills on their most prized beginnings and endings every once in awhile. So equality is what you hoped for? But you didn’t give me time I would of rewrote the smudged words to every sentence, taped the pages back into your favorite chapter, and dried each beginning and ending until no evidence of damage was shown whenever you needed me to. I would of saved you when the time came.
I keep hoping, waiting, wishing for you to show up at my back door so I can take a drag of you once more. But we both know romance isn’t a game you like to play… and although we have said it so many times before this is the last curtain call. I take a bow, walk off stage, and hand in my script. I am one, I am my one and only…
^Please take time to listen to the song, it’s such a good one!^
I tend to feel, feel too much. I have this overwhelming set of emotions that love to come out and play no matter what time of day. Happiness tends to soar high above all the rest, yet every now and then other emotions tend to clip its wings. Sometimes sadness finds a way to join in on a game of hopscotch or anger makes sure to get in line for ring around the rosy.
I tend to feel, feel too little. I have this one emotion that likes to fight no matter what time of night. It seems to lurk in the shadows behind me waiting for an opening to enter inside me. I have given it a name “Certainly Uncertain” it is the numbness that captivates my soul when things seem to be going my way.
What do you do if you tend to feel, feel too much and to little? Do you lay in bed and replay your favorite memories over and over in your head? Do you stumble over every thought you left unsaid?
I have reached out far beyond every galaxy there is, searching for answers I know have already been said. I have swam across seas and danced on the shore lines waiting for fate to give me a sign, yet still nothing comes as the sun drops low into the sky and the water glitters from the star lit sky. I have come clean from all my lies and washed my hands of all my sins. I have begged for forgiveness and said my ” I’m sorrys”.
Yet after all these years I finally realized there are no questions to be answered. I am who I am and that means I tend to feel, feel too much and too little all at the same time. Nothing or no one can change who I am or who I will ultimately become. I can learn to tame my demons, but I am forever made like a tree’s bark is forever etched with its unique design. We all are designed to be a certain way to overcome certain things, some of us just take a little longer to realize that than others.
So… this is what being strong feels like? Knowing who you are and being able to captivate it not suffocate it. Using it to conquer the world not destroy it. Utilizing it to save yourself instead of always needing to be saved.
So… this is what being strong feels like? Being able to stand on my own without yearning for someone to stand beside me!